Time to Reflect and Refocus: ATR

I have a good feeling about February. After a very difficult January, I think that this is going to be a better four weeks. I know that it will still be difficult, full of stress and introspection, but I am expecting great things. On Wednesday, we went to our Advanced Training Retreat, a chance to strengthen our bonds as a site and as a team. At the end of this month, we'll be hosting our Winter Camp and while it will demand a lot from us, it will also be a lot of fun.

February started off with a funky day. The eighth grade students have switched from Spanish to Family and Consumer Sciences. The students have all had the teacher before, but my only connection to her was through my teammate Amber's brief mention of her time in FACS. This class will be quite different from Spanish but I'm looking forward to a new environment.

We left Seabrook early to attend a training session at Seacoast Youth Services. Unfortunately, the session had to be rescheduled so we spent the day bonding and working on things. It felt very much like our first few weeks as a team in September – exploring the Seabrook community, getting some ice cream and introducing new games to each other. The fact that we had a day like this during the same week as our retreat amplifies the cyclical nature of this job. I started off the year with trepidation and nervousness that quickly became excitement and infatuation with the City Year lifestyle. As I've mentioned before, January was a rough month – a dip in the journey – but now I'm feeling like I'm coming back around.

On Tuesdays, we usually do PT in the community. PT stands for Physical Training, a power tool that we use to get ourselves energized in the mornings. This Tuesday, we did some exercises at a gazebo in Hampton Falls. The best part of my day was hearing us do "Foot Fires," an exercise in which we run in place – the thunderous sound of our boots hitting the wood surprised us but gave a nice change of pace to a common exercise. After PT, I missed math class to go out with some team members for some team time. At the time I was fine with it but after hearing how much help my students needed, I regretted missing first period. However, I won't always be with my students so they need to develop skills of independence.

In science class, I made a breakthrough in how I work with my students. They have recently started learning about heredity and how to do Punnett squares. The teacher was reviewing how to complete them but a few students were stumped. Instead of standing back and hoping they would figure it out, I went down to talk with them and work with them at their desks. We weren't doing exactly what was going on at the front of the room, which is a real departure for me. Sometimes, though, students need an individualized approach in order to grasp the material. Seeing students connect the dots, wide-eyed in understanding, is very satisfying. Science seems to be the most difficult class for all eighth grade students, so I will be employing this strategy more often in the future.

Tuesday was our last day in school this week; we went on our Advanced Training Retreat Wednesday through Friday. The retreat was not what I thought it would be, but I wouldn't change a second of it. At the beginning of the year, we took a few days to go upstate to Camp Berea for our Basic Training Retreat. During those days we learned what teams we would be on and bonded as teams and as a site. The return to Berea brought back memories of those original days, but this time was quite different. I was much more comfortable around people – I know everyone (some better than others, of course) but I feel no need to impress anyone.

This is not to say that my three days were full of happiness and joy. In fact, the first two days were rough for me, much like the month of January was. I attribute this partially to my absence from the first half of Wednesday's Unity Rally. While everyone else started doing PT, I ran back to our vans to retrieve the five guitars that people brought so they wouldn't be forgotten. I think missing out on the Unity Rally changed my whole mindset for the worse. I didn't really feel connected for a lot of ATR; it was a really bad feeling.

Thankfully, there were some great moments in the first two days. We spent about two hours as a team working on action plans to improve our afterschool programs, relationships with teachers and students' attendance. I am really excited to get back to work on Monday to start implementing those plans. Later that night, we explored our different work styles as a team. I think that I appear to be a generally upbeat and energetic guy, but I have a problem handling my frustration and anger in a productive way that has shown itself with greater frequency recently. This is something that I plan on working on to improve. It will put me in a better place and bring me closer to the person I want to be.

There were also some opportunities to push myself. On Thursday, my roommate Moshe and I facilitated a workshop on various ways of giving and receiving feedback. We had been in the workshop back at NELA and were bringing it back for the rest of the corps. Overall, I am glad that we did it. It was well-received and we were given a great deal of kudos for it, but I must give Moshe most of the credit -- he asked me to lead it with him and he edited the facilitator's guide. I do think it could have been better, but Moshe and I will do our best to improve it for the next time it's used.

That evening, Charlie Rose (one of the head honchos down at CY Headquarters) led us through a site building exercise that drained a lot of people emotionally. It is called "Crossing the Line" and it's designed to make people confront their stereotypes and realize that they don't really know the full story of a human being just because of her or his actions. The exercise involved Charlie stating descriptions; if they fit and people felt comfortable, they crossed the line and looked back at the other side. Some of the descriptions dealt with family, others with sexuality and some were about self-image. After the exercise was over, we spent about an hour debriefing it. The biggest thing that I took away from it was that I should never assume that I really know enough to judge another person's value or worth.

We dealt with some pretty heavy stuff at ATR. The most difficult part for me was feeling like I don't belong. It's a feeling that I've had at various points in my life since sixth grade, and I don't think I'll ever lose that part of me. Luckily, right now it's all in my head – nobody is trying to ostracize me and make me feel unwelcome. But sometimes I just get in a weird place and I can't shake that feeling. For example, Thursday night we had a Talent Show. I performed "Across The Universe" by The Beatles and had the crowd assist me with the parts "Jai guru deva" and "Nothing's gonna change my world." I felt good about it but then quickly felt outdone by the performers after me. I am surrounded by so many people who have something wonderful about them, people that make others feel good. The hardest part was watching the group of corps members who live together on the same street (there's about fifteen or twenty people that were up there) playing "Wagon Wheel" together. I felt so small watching my best friend at CYNH up there – I just felt so unnecessary.

But Friday was a new day. Before lunch, we had the chance to open the letters to self that we wrote back at BTR. I was amazed at how fluid and passionate my writing was. I was on fire, ready to completely immerse myself in this world. And I know that I still want that, to be fully devoted to our mission. But I am at a different place mentally and emotionally five months later. I needed to learn something new, to gain a different mindset in order to progress to the next stage in my life, at ATR. And I did learn something. There are going to be many, many times when you feel like you don't belong or that you don't fit in. There's nothing wrong with that, because maybe, in those moments, you don't. But there are so many people who rely on you and need you and as long as you remember that, there's a reason to exist.

Arriving in the parking lot back at CYNH after a long drive, I saw two things – people getting their belongings and people giving each other loud, boisterous hugs. The one undeniable and ever-present truth about City Year is that it is full of human beings who honestly and truly care about the well-being of others. It's second nature for people here to take time to connect with others, to listen to their frustrations and fears, their joys and hopes. There exists a fundamental respect for the full humanity of others. There is no desire to make you feel good 100% of the time. Sometimes, you're going to be down in the dumps and, for a little while, that's okay. But there is always someone who will support you in a respectful way. I am so lucky to be a part of this world and I hope that I can radiate this love out to everyone I meet. My purpose has been renewed. I am in a very good place right now. I'm ready to change the world.