The Hardest Week So Far

A constant downpour greeted me on Monday morning. I was still excited for a great week of service and danced in the rain, waiting for the rest of my team to arrive. We headed to school but after getting off I-95 in Seabrook, we noticed something was amiss. All of the streetlights were off and stores were dark. When we arrived at school, they told us that the school had a two-hour delay. We retreated to Timberland for a brief period of time then headed back to Seabrook. It was more than a little disappointing to discover that school was closed. As pleased as I was to have a break from the routine, I was not happy that I wouldn't be able to work with my students.

I didn't waste the day, though. The team spent some time before lunch discussing some of our students, giving each other advice on how to approach each child. We spent the most time on "Charles," a seventh-grader who has very destructive tendencies. Amber is hindered in her ability to make progress with Charles; he is unresponsive most of the time and when Amber is able to make some headway, Charles decimates whatever work he's accomplished when she turns her back. It is excruciating for me to interact with him and I don't even see him more than five minutes a day. But Amber seemed to glean some new tactics from the discussion. If she is unwilling to give up on Charles then he is in good hands; Amber has much more patience and a bigger heart than I do when working with students like Charles. She told us Tuesday that some of the tips worked. Charles was able to get down to work and completed his assignment with no prompting. This was the first time all year that it's happened.

On Tuesday, things were back to normal at Seabrook Middle School. In social studies, students were working on a one day project, creating an advertisement for an African locale. All of the students were working hard on it and many of my seven got theirs finished! What a good class. "Samuel" got his done and was working on his diligently throughout the class. I'm proud of him since he was working next to a good friend of his. Samuel's biggest problem, I think, is his desire to please others. He'll sublimate himself if it means that other people will talk with him. I plan on getting him to realize he's worth something regardless of the opinions of those around him.

My work during science class was not quite as productive at the time, but good things will come of it. The students watched a movie on male pubescent changes; some students weren't allowed to watch it because they failed to turn in their permission slips and spent the period in the library doing bookwork. The teacher was out and I wanted to make sure the paraprofessional wasn't overwhelmed by the laughing and giggling of immature eighth graders, so I stayed for a second period of science. The students were actually fine, so I left and headed to the library. "Lauren" and "Shirley" hadn't done more than one answer. I got down to work with them but it was like pulling teeth. However, the victory for the day was working with Lauren. She's one of Diane's students and I've never really worked with her, but I think she's more comfortable with me now. At least she'll start saying hello to me in the hallways.

Tuesday, right before I headed home, I was in a very sour mood. I'm not quite sure why I was predisposed to feel angry, but I know that when I realized I wouldn't be able to get home by 7:00 I became upset. I'm not sure what's going on with me, but in the middle of the week I was really not happy with how things were going. Maybe it's because I didn't know what I'm doing next year; I was still waiting until Friday to find out whether or not I got a senior corps position. Maybe it's the long hours. Maybe it was the long, cold, lonely winter as George Harrison would say. Whatever it is, I knew I needed to take a personal day. On Wednesday, I stayed home and enjoyed the good weather and thought about where I'm at. It didn't solve the unhappiness – there are bigger things in play with this situation – but I'm glad I wasn't at work to spread the disease to my teammates.

Thursday was a big day. The eighth graders took their first step into a much larger world: Winnacunnet High School. All of the students that will be attending Winnacunnet came together on Thursday to learn a little more about the world they'll be in for the next four years. The students from Seabrook were the first to arrive; I noticed how quiet they were as the other eighth graders entered the gym. Some of my students were nervous; "Audrey" asked me to sit next to her not because she wanted me around, but because she didn't want someone unfamiliar next to her. These kids, for all of their posturing and desire to be given independence, are still afraid of the unknown – like most adults, actually.

During lunch, students had to sit with others who have birthdays close to theirs. This forced them to be in close proximity to students from other schools. Whether they talked with them or not is another story. I did talk a little bit with "Whitney"; she asked me why I wasn't eating. It's a simple question, but it shows she's at least comfortable enough to talk with me. That's something I can't say for all of my students.

After lunch, students went on tours of the school to learn more about possible electives. I was proud to see that "Thomas" is so enthusiastic about the possibilities that high school presents – he marked down his top six choices when the guidance counselor only wanted five. I think the time management necessary to be successful in JROTC, trimester-long sports and passing classes will benefit Thomas. If he can learn to be kinder to others, he is going to go far.

Thursday evening was spent at our team buddy Taylor's house for a feedback session. Each member of the team had a chance to share praises and deltas for every person in a one-on-one session. Things have not been going smoothly on our team. I am not sure of the reason why. Some people aren't getting along and I think people are just feeling stressed and overwhelmed by our service and uncertainties about the coming year. At the beginning of the feedback session, I was not happy and I couldn't pinpoint why. Could I handle another year of City Year – if I was even offered a position? Is it the lack of free time? Is it the madness of frayed personal dynamics? But just having the chance to talk with other people on my team on a deeper level helped me feel better. It's something I will have to do more of in the future. Unfortunately, I think the problems on our team still exist – but at least now the path for communication has opened.

I was not sure what Friday would hold for me and City Year New Hampshire at its start, but I was optimistic. We traveled to UNH Manchester for "Life After AmeriCorps" with corps members from other AmeriCorps programs. I wasn't expecting much from the sessions I registered for – "12 Tips for Successful Networking" and "Grant Writing 101" – but they were worth attending. Debby, the facilitator for the Networking session, emphasized the importance of a natural connection, on being impressed by the other person. This focus on the loveliness of human interaction was what was lacking at the Comcast Career Day. And while I have never tried writing a grant and may not for the foreseeable future, attending a session on how to do it gave me a lot of tips and ideas for when that challenge arises.

The other major development of the day was the announcement of who received offers for senior corps positions. These announcements were done individually during lunch. This was a major thing, obviously, and I know that many others (including my best friend at CYNH) were all wrung out when faced with learning about the decision. I have never been one for celebrating myself. When I was younger, I hid my good grades because I didn't want others knowing me by my As or comparing themselves to me. There's more to me than my successes and failures. So I too was nervous about walking out of the room after learning that I received an offer for the Resource Development Project Leader position. My friend Dylan and teammate Bear were both congratulatory; Dylan cheered me on. But I slunk away for lunch in a secluded part of the building; I didn't want to be around to learn about others' positions. They would tell me when they felt comfortable.

Overall, I am excited about the prospects of next year. There are some changes that are coming to CYNH, the biggest being welcoming a new corps. But I know that being lost in the crystal ball of next year will ruin the remainder of this one. For the next three months, I am a proud member of the Timberland Seabrook Stone Soup Team. I owe my seven students, all of the students of Seabrook Middle School, my teammates, my sitemates and everyone I come in contact with my complete and unwavering dedication. This has been the hardest week of my City Year so far and I know that sometimes I am going to be unhappy. But that's okay -- that's part of this. But I won't force myself to stay there and celebrate my sadness. This work is too important to be a stick in the mud; my students and teammates deserve better. So I end this week on an optimistic note. I know I can make the next week better, so let's do it.