Struggling to Find My Path

My time at school on Monday was feeling a bit long at times. It's been hard for me to get excited about my work in school since I applied for a senior corps position a few weeks ago. I applied to become the Resource Development project leader, a position that involves leading the corps members in fundraising and reaching out to people through the visitors' program. I've been looking forward to next year and I need to be careful that it's not at the expense of this year. Of course, there is no guarantee that I will even be here next year – those decisions won't be made for another week or two. I can't get cocky.

It's not like I've been slacking off. In fact, I was forcing myself to get back into the school mindset on Monday. I had some victories with "Shirley" and "Christine." They were talking with each other in math and FACS class instead of doing their work. But I hunkered down and made them work. Ordering them to start their assignments didn't lead to anything productive; I instead targeted one girl at a time, walking them through their problems. When I did this, the other girl started watching and hopefully understood the material.

"Sophia" continues to impress me – at times – with her work effort. To be sure, she was not prepared for her presentation in social studies. But when the teacher handed her a listing of her grades, she immediately identified which assignments were incomplete and which had not been handed in. Later, in science, she separated the graded papers that were handed back by grades. There were four piles face up – ones in the 70s, ones in the 80s, another group of 90s and one 100. The fifth pile was face down. These were the ones she deemed unacceptable. She determined that she only wanted to get grades in the top three piles. With the third and final trimester approaching, I am excited to start on a good foot.

But by Tuesday, Sophia had a different mindset. She came to social studies unprepared for her presentation; she had to print out her script. I was disappointed when I saw that it contained about ten sentences – ten sentences for a three minute presentation. After class, the teacher asked me to have Sophia collect her notes and other pieces for the presentation to hand in. Sophia couldn't find them, so we went to check her locker. When they didn't jump out and bite her, she ran off, claiming she needed to get to lunch. I was very frustrated because she didn't take the time to look for her papers so she can get a passing grade. How can she pass if she's stuck in a cycle of simply making up late work and never handing things in on time?

I wasn't in my best form on Tuesday. I had to accept that students are going to be obstinate, refusing to do some part of their work. The biggest success of the day was putting up the Windows to Literacy board. Windows to Literacy is a project that was piloted by corps members from City Year Boston. It's an attempt to encourage students to read by showing that their favorite City Year corps members have favorite books and are currently reading them. My host at NELA, Brendan, told me about it and we have been working on it for a while at Seabrook. Charlie drew a wonderful picture of a house in the country for us to use as a makeshift window. Amber created the frame. Each person the team let me take a picture of them posing in the library with their favorite book. It came together just in time for Read Across America day on Wednesday.

Wednesday started off strong and stayed great throughout the day. Once again I realized the necessity of having a full stomach before service. I bought a muffin from the Gorge; my belly was filled and I was energetic. Having my team leader arrive at Seabrook Middle School dressed as the Cat in the Hat sealed the deal – Wednesday would be a great day.

I had some victories in school. I coaxed a smile from Shirley after calling her the "Triangle Master" and "Angle Master" again. I was delighted to hear her ask another student for clarification on a problem. "Thomas" and I were friendly in science and I'm hoping to become more of a mentor for him. I would like to start meeting with him during Learning Lab periods so I can make him feel better about his day. He reminds me of my friend Eric from grade school – a child who wants to be accepted but doesn't know how to do it without coming off as antagonistic.

I left Seabrook Middle School early to return to Timberland. I was participating in a Visitor's Program with another corps member; we would be talking about our experiences as City Year corps members with a community member. After that, I spent my time in the office working on odds and ends. I took the time to make another invitation on Facebook in an attempt to sell calendar raffles. These calendar raffles are the main method of fundraising for our Winter Camp last week; once we cover the cost of this year's camp, the remaining money raised will go towards programming for next year. I did sell a few -- I'm hoping to sell 100 before the month of March is over. Only 40 left!

I thought that Thursday would be another day of successes and feeling good about my service. Throughout the entire day of classes, I was on fire. I was connecting with students and taking opportunities to teach about other things. For example, "Erica" referenced that the people in Brazil speak the same language as those in her birth country, but it just sounds different. I told her and a few other students the reason why: back when the Europeans were sending explorers to the Americas, the Pope created the Line of Demarcation to separate Spanish-controlled lands from Portuguese-controlled lands. It wasn't the most exciting story, and "Sally" poked fun at me -- but I think they now know a little bit more about the Age of Exploration than they did before.

Then I went to our weekly meeting of Destination Imagination. For a variety of reasons, I don't think that we'll be able to compete at the regional competition on the 13th. This disappointed both members of our team. We only had two there on Thursday since the third quit -- though he didn't tell me about it; I received the information second-hand. Even though this opens up our schedule, I still feel like I failed at part of DI. It is the only thing that I regret about this year; there are many things that I could have done better.

My team members could tell that I was disappointed and frustrated. They did what they could to inject some cheer into my night. When Chris told me that he was proud of all I accomplished, the burden of disappointment felt lighter. There was still some stress that needed to be let loose; screaming along to "Once In A Lifetime" by Talking Heads on my drive home allowed me to release my frustration in a sensible way.

On Friday, the CYNH corps ventured down to the Boston headquarters for Comcast Career Day. We had five presentations on various topics relating to the corporate world. They were disheartening; I realized that City Year operates in a much different way from the way that the corporate world operates. I've said it many times before, but I believe that City Year's primary mission is to help people understand that they must appreciate others for their abilities, to meet others where they're at. According to the presentations filtered through the lens of the corporate world, people must always act in a way that will appeal to others. Appearance and networking are the ways to achieve success. I know that I am drastically oversimplifying both worlds, but that's how things felt to me throughout Friday.

The day ended with a session called "18 Minute Networking." It was like speed dating but with careers. I appreciate all of the work that went into it, but it overwhelmed me. I'm not ready to decide on a career or create a path for myself. The most enlightening and rewarding part of the day was a conversation I had with a security guard while a group of us were walking around Boston. I asked him how his day was, we talked briefly about the weather and I ended up telling him a little about City Year. From there, I got to hear a little about his life story – he grew up in the richest county in New York but didn't have anything there, so he stayed in Boston after college. He also said, "It doesn't matter how much you get paid, as long as it's rewarding." And I agree. If I get to spend the rest of my life making honest connections like I did with Lou the security guard, well, that's a life well spent.