Out Like A Lamb

What a week this was! I started the week in a foul mood and ended it in a very good place. I still don't know what put me in the dumps, but it made the first four days of my week dreadful. Luckily, we had Monday off as compensation for working on Saturday at Starry Starry Night and I had taken Tuesday off a few weeks ago. I am glad that I wasn't at work those two days, infecting my team and my students. Still, I was in a nasty place. I didn't want to come to work and I considered not coming back next year. I knew that I couldn't do well unless I wanted to be at City Year; if my heart wasn't in it, my mind and body couldn't be either.

When I woke up Wednesday, I still didn't want to go in to work. I was in a bad way. I went to first period math class and most of my students asked me where I was on Monday and Tuesday. They were clearly bothered that they hadn't seen me in a long time. This was the worst part of the week for me. One of the things we strive for as WSWC team members is to be the one constant in a child's life. If that student has nothing else in her life that is stable, we are the force that they can cling to. So when I'm not there, I could be taking away the stability from them. The lesson I'll take away from this week is that I need to tell my kids when I won't be there and why. Just because they're younger than me doesn't mean that they don't deserve the same explanation I give my teammates and bosses.

After school concluded for the day, Bear and I headed off to our afterschool program at Seacoast Youth Services. This was the first week of the new spring programs. Wednesday is Team Sports day but since the nearby field was a swampy mess, we stayed inside and played board games. Bear and I went upstairs to play Risk with a few kids. Risk is one of those games that can end life-long friendships in one sitting, so I knew we'd be heading into a maelstrom of fury. But luckily, none of the students reacted too poorly, although one boy quit, claiming the game is "stupid.”

The best moment of the program came when one student described the television show Thomas and Friends as "gay." I put the game on hold, got everyone's attention and chastised them for their use of that word. I told them that when they use that word to describe the things they don't like, they're putting down an entire group of people. I ended by saying, "I know that you all don't mean to do that because you're good kids with good hearts, but your language can be very powerful so be cautious." I was very serious with them and their faces reflected their understanding that they were wrong. Curbing the misuse of "gay" and "retarded" is something that I've been working on all year and I think I really got through to them. Overall, my time at SYS kicked my spirit into high gear.

By April 1st, I was ready to get back to work. Maybe it was the beautiful weather or maybe it was just the right time. Whatever it was, I had a great day of service. I had so many victories in math and FACS class; students had quizzes in both. I worked with some students and I know that I helped them get better grades. "Audrey" was very happy to get a 100% on her math quiz -- I gave her a high-five. I was a little frustrated with the grading of the math quizzes. There were only eight questions so if a student got one wrong, she would be knocked down immediately to an 88. Two wrong and she'd have a 75. But I must celebrate the fact that my kids want to do better and are doing better. I'm quite proud of them.

"Whitney" asked for help on some computer assignments Thursday afternoon; she said that she just doesn't understand how to do them. She is on the softball team and needs to bring her grade up so she can stay on the team. We completed one during Learning Lab and I told Whitney that we would definitely work on more. She had to edit an Excel spreadsheet according to some directions. While she was working, I repeatedly remarked how interesting it was. I told her how glad I was to work with her because I was learning things too. Hopefully she saw that it's okay to be interested in academic things. I'm proud that Whitney sought me out even though I am not in her computer class. She knew that I'd be able to help her with her work. I have a very good relationship with Whitney and I know that I've improved her self-confidence and made her want to do better in school.

I got to work on Friday and was very excited. Wide open blue skies, a (nearly) united corps and so much to accomplish -- the potential was overwhelming. We spent some time in the morning discussing legacy projects with our team. Many brain babies were born during that session. The first half was about things that would "walk away with the student" as Kim, one of our managers, said: t-shirts for the eighth graders as graduation presents, an awards ceremony, a carnival. These came from our desire to celebrate Seabrook and the students who are going on to greatness and bigger worlds. Then we started developing projects that will last for years: murals at school, projects along Route 1 in Seabrook and clearing out trails behind the school. I ingested all of the possibilities and nearly burst with excitement -- there is so much we can do and not enough time. I just have to do what I can to accomplish as much as I can while I still have time.

After lunch, we had some more time to work as a team. This time, we worked on a fundraiser that Bear created for April break. We are going to hold a dodgeball tournament at Seabrook Middle School. Halfway through our discussion, I realized how great it is to have other people who are extremely capable and willing to do work on my team. There is no reason for me to try to do everything. There is so much that I'm responsible for and I need to remember that if I need help, I can just ask for it.

The end of the day was spent in a relay race learning about environmentalism. It was similar to the Carmen Sandiego game about social change movements in that it was a contest and I became furious when I was losing. But this time, I was ready. I decided to give up on winning and focus on accomplishing the tasks and learning. As I told Bobby, if I didn't stop caring about winning I would throw up -- and nobody wants that. My reward for taking a step back and being happy? Two cups of flowers that are now on my front porch -- a perfect metaphor for this week and the end of March. The warmth and beauty of a new birth has come to New Hampshire and my heart is opening up again. I know that I'll be sad again, some day, but I'm looking forward to a future of joy and satisfaction. April, it's nice to meet you.